Walking through Fear

Sometimes you see what you must become in order to answer the burning in  your heart, and it’s completely terrifying.

My dear friend and I have been talking, since the New Moon, about the ways we feel called to work in the world. The tasks our hearts are telling us to do are different in application, but they are of the same spirit. We have both received strong indications from a variety of places that now is an auspicious time to begin moving forward with our vision . . . and while we desire to walk the path we see before us, we both find the journey frightening, for a variety of reasons.

One of my reasons has to do with my birth family; I fear both their disapproval, and the possibility that by truly embracing my work, and following my path, I might hurt them–just by being who I am. Not because my path will cause me to do harm in the world, but because they just won’t understand. Disapproval by itself would be uncomfortable, but it’s really nothing new. But the idea that my mother, who I love, will see what I do as the road to damnation, and might have her heart broken by it . . . that’s hard to take. I’m much more afraid of harming her unintentionally than I am of drawing more of her disapproval. I have held myself back from doing many things in my life because of this fear–and I believe that this fear comes from a good place. A place of desiring to treat my family with respect and love, even though I know they can’t understand my journey.

Yesterday I felt panic about this issue trying to rise all day. And all day I kept trying to figure out a way to overcome the panic, to ease my fears, to feel better about everything. To make going forward seem less scary.

After more conversation with my friend, and drawing a card from my Faeries’ Oracle, I finally realized; there is no way to get rid of this fear. It is a fear that is rooted in my reality, and I can’t just make it evaporate. Instead, I have to live with it–and if I choose to go forward, I have to do so with this fear walking beside me.

I find it interesting, though, that this realization actually helped me to calm down and move out of my panic space. I remembered the book I am reading by Pema Chödrön, Practicing Peace in Times of War, and the chapter I’m currently working with, entitled “Changing our Attitude Toward Pain”. This is a tiny book, but it’s taking me weeks to get through it–because the simple words hold so much to understand. This passage especially speaks to me:

When we’re putting up the barriers and the sense of “me” as separate from “you” gets stronger, right there in the midst of difficulty and pain, the whole thing could turn around simply by not erecting barriers; simply by staying open to the difficulty, to thte feelings that you’re going through; simply by not talking to ourselves about what’s happening. That is a revolutionary step. Becoming intimate with pain is the key to changing at the core of our being–staying open to everything as we experience, letting the sharpness of difficult times pierce us to the heart, letting these times open us, humble us, and make us wiser and more brave. Let difficulty transform you. And it will. In my experience, we just need help in learning how not to run away.

Phew. I cultivated the art of running away for a lot of my life. My first response is always to run, to get OUT of the scary place right away. Staying in the scary place is going to be hard work for me–but until I learn to do it, I’m going to continue being stuck. And I don’t like being stuck.

Fortunately, there are many tools to help us practice the art of staying with the feelings, of being present, and holding our hearts open. There are spiritual teachings from many different traditions, including meditation and reflection practices. And there are allies in the plant and stone kingdom who offer their help and support, sustaining us until we learn to work with the energies without the use of tools and supports. It will take practice, and patience with myself and my process.

But it will be all right.

One thing that helps is to understand my own fears and failings and shortcomings as opportunities on the journey toward compassion. In Pema’s words once again:

One of the meanings of compassion is “suffering with,” being willing to suffer with other people. This means that to the degree you can work with the wholeness of your being–your prejudices, your feelings of failure, your self-pity, your depression, your rage, your addictions–the more you will connect with other people out of that wholeness. And it will be a relationship between equals. You’ll be able to feel the pain of other people as your own pain. And you’ll be able to feel your own pain and know that it’s shared by millions.

It helps to view my own difficulties in this way, to see that my discomfort will ultimately be an ally in my work to relieve the suffering of others. In this way, the pain I have experienced and will experience in the future is a gift that, if properly appreciated, can lead to to greater and greater compassion.Which gives me a new way to be grateful for what is.

That’s so much better than waging war with my feelings.

So my question today: how do you honor your fear and doubt? Have you been able to sit with your darker emotions and allow them to teach you? How did it change you? I’d love to know.