My Zombie Apocalypse Resume

To: zombiehunter2012@theyarecoming.com

April 5, 2011

Dear Ms. (REDACTED),

Please find below my resume for position of medic, farmer, and chef in your renegade Zombie consortium.

I have reviewed your criteria carefully, and I believe I would be an asset to any compound that offered me a place. I began learning post-apocalyptic appropriate life skills long before the outbreak of the Zombie virus, and have practical experience as well as theoretical knowledge.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,
(REDACTED)

————————–

Michelle (REDACTED)

Phone: (503) 666-6666  –  Email: dontfearthezombies@weareready.com

Qualifications summary: Homesteader for the past decade, with medical, farming and cooking skills

Medical Skills

  • Herbal correspondence courses, 2006-2008, from herbsRus.com
  • NW HerbFest, herbal conference, 2008, Made Up Herb Farm, Eugene, Oregon.
  • Extensive collection of works on herbal healing which I will share with the commune.
  • I’m not squeamish about blood.

Farming Skills

  • Growing vegetables from seed, 2009-the present
  • Plucking a chicken in under a minute with my husband’s chicken plucking machine, 2009-the present
  • Wildcrafting edible weeds, 2007-the present.
  • Shoveling shit and soil, 2007-the present
  • Pushing a loaded wheelbarrow, 2007-the present
  • Growing culinary herbs–2004-the present

Cooking Skills:

  • Intuitive cooking-no cookbook necessary
  • Rudimentary knowledge of cooking over a wood fire
  • Food preservation know-how
  • Ability to season food with fresh herbs and wild plants when the exotic spices run out and the trade routes are closed due to Zombie infestation.

Additional Skills:

  • Fire building
  • Sense of humor

Additional Information:

  • I have a husband who brews beer.
  • We own the land.
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