(Note: this post was actually published on September 2, 2013. I’m placing it here for purposes of searchability.)
One of the side effects of growing up in a fundamentalist environment is that I’m always afraid I’m going to become a fundamentalist again without meaning to. I’ve met a few people who I would consider fundamentalist pagans and they freaked me out a little bit.
This worry means that I question everything about my path constantly. In some ways, being able to look critically at your spirituality (or anything in your life, really) is a good thing. Having a little bit of skepticism about your experiences is also a good thing. It’s okay to ask yourself “did that really happen, or did I make that up?”
The trouble is, sometimes I don’t know when to stop. Sometimes the signs are there–and reappear over and over–and I still have a hard time accepting them.
This is especially true when it comes to being a healer. I’ve been doing healing work since 1999. I’ve done work in person, I’ve done distance work. And every single time I’ve done a session for anyone I’ve had verification that what I see, what I experience, has a positive effect on for the person receiving the session.
And yet. Again and again I ask myself if I’m crazy. Am I making this up? Am I really a healer? Should I really be doing this? Is it totally egotistical to call myself a healer in the first place? Who do I think I am?
After I moved out of my house last September, I thought perhaps I should drop the label of “healer” from my self-description. And then I got a request for a session that I couldn’t turn down in good conscience. And it was a powerful experience.
This happens to me a lot. I’ll have a stretch of a few months where no one comes to me for a session or a reading, and I think perhaps that part of my work is done now. Maybe I’m not going to be a healer anymore. I’ll write about it in my journal.
And I’ll immediately be contacted by someone for a session. Or by more than one someone. And it will be a powerful experience.
You’d think at some point I would accept the validity of this calling, and just roll with it. You’d think I would accept that healing is work I will be doing off and on, probably for most of my life. That I don’t have to do a session for someone every day to consider myself a healer. The important thing about being a healer is that I am available when someone needs me. That I do the work when I am asked to, and that spirit always meets me in the healing circle and shows me what to do. Maybe the way I am a healer doesn’t look like I think it should in my head. But the people who come to me receive what they are meant to receive. And I guess that’s what matters.